Cloth Fiction #1: Lean Mean Thirteen

It's called Lean Mean Thirteen and it's the new Stephanie Plum novel by Janet Evanovich. We shelve them in Mystery/Thriller, and they're all got hideously garish covers and titles playing on the number the book is in the series (beginning with One for the Money). This week it knocked A Thousand Splendid Suns off the number 1 spot. I guess folks like numbers.

So, Anime Expo has come to the Long Beach convention center. This means that, along with the normal crazies (haha) of downtown LB, along with the normal weekend rush, we now are also flooded with hyperactive teens in their cosplay outfits raiding the manga section and lounging in the walkways throughout the store.

It's not that I hate them, per se. I get it. I really do. I'm not going to get down on someone for being a nerd. I like math, I like to read, and I've been in choir since fourth grade. And I love comics. Not just the high-brow literary stuff either. I love seeing guys in capes dodging blasts from ray guns, I love watching epic spandex v. spandex rooftop battles. No, anime kids, I don't hate you for being nerds. I hate you because you suck. You really, really suck, and that makes me sad.

A girl that I work with asked over the walkie today: "Are half-naked men allowed in the store?" It's cosplay, I know... but if your favorite character is Man in Speedo, can't you bring a bathrobe so you can at least pretend to be a decent human being when you're walking through my store, rubbing your who knows whats on everything and everyone in sight?

Or, wait. No, I'm sorry. This is the weekend where all of your fantasies come to life, right? Man in Speedo, if your fantasy is 13 year old girls in short skirts and knee-highs, then welcome to heaven. They come in groups of three or more, and they're all super giggly to be away from their parents for the weekend. Tee hee!

It's not that I hate them. Not exactly. I hate how they descend upon the store like some sort of locust swarm, where the locusts think they're Japanese and think we're smiling at their elaborate hats because we're bummed we didn't think of them first and we're staring at their nerdy locust boobs because they are so damned provocative. You are wrong, locusts. No one thinks your sunburned locust boobs are provocative.

If I sound bitter it's only because they smell bad.

$27.95